In practical work with families, parents often say:

“When we take the phone away from our 10-year-old son, he reacts very angrily.”

“If I try to take away internet access from my 12-year-old daughter, she becomes irritable, defiant, and rude.”

“When we took away our son’s phone, he reacted aggressively and wanted to fight his father. His father could barely hold him back while he was raging.”

“When we take away the computer, the next day he refuses to go to school, and sometimes he becomes very aggressive.”

“Our 14-year-old son is addicted to his phone. He is physically stronger than us; we can no longer take it away because he becomes violent.”

Such moments are stressful and sometimes frightening, but it is crucial that parents try to understand the child — not only punish them.

Children and adolescents are still developing the ability to regulate emotions and impulses. Their brains are not yet fully mature — the frontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control and planning consequences, continues developing into late adolescence. This means that for a child, it can sometimes be almost impossible to remain calm when experiencing intense frustration or a loss of control, for example when a phone is taken away. In this context, violence is often a form of communication of the child’s distress. If a child hits or threatens, they are in fact expressing their struggle: “This is really hard for me,” “I can’t imagine life without my phone,” or “I don’t know how else to express my anger.”

An Outburst as a Reaction to Loss or Frustration
Digital devices are not just entertainment; they also represent connection with friends, a sense of identity, and control over one’s own time. When we take them away, the child experiences a real sense of loss — something that provides security and autonomy. Additionally, dopamine, the brain’s reward hormone triggered by device use, makes the removal even more unpleasant. The outburst is a combination of anger, frustration, and loss of reward.
In a broader social context, modern children are growing up in a world where digital connectivity means social inclusion. Losing a phone or internet access is not just an individual frustration; it is part of a wider dynamic in which young people are learning to manage emotional responses to constant digital stimulation and social pressure, particularly from social media.

How to understand these responses
Children and adolescents are still developing self-control and emotional regulation. Intense anger, frustration, or sadness is often not a sign of “bad behavior,” but rather of a developing brain that is still learning how to manage impulses.

Physical aggression or threats often communicate feelings that the child cannot yet express verbally. Parents can try to understand violence as a sign of internal frustration, not as a personal attack.

Removing or limiting a digital device can trigger a strong emotional reaction because the child experiences a loss of control or pleasure.

When a child feels anger or frustration, the body produces stress hormones (such as adrenaline), leading to impulsive behavior. In that moment, the child cannot think rationally — emotions override logic. This means punishment usually does not work at that point, as the child first needs time to calm down.

There may also be additional underlying triggers — fatigue, bad mood, problems at school or at home, peer conflicts — and the device removal may simply be the tip of the iceberg of accumulated emotions and stress.

Children who express emotions violently have not yet learned socially acceptable ways of expressing them. Their behavior can be understood as a call for attention, safety, or understanding.

Children often react in ways they have learned from their parents. If parents struggle with emotional regulation, the child may learn the same pattern. That is why it is crucial how parents manage and express their own emotions — children are constantly observing.

How to respond
In such situations, it is very important how parents respond, which words they use, and which questions they ask to create calm and allow for a later conversation.

1. Stay Calm and Maintain Control of the Situation
    • Take a deep breath — parents must first regulate their own emotions.
    • Stay calm and non-aggressive — children learn by observing your response.
    • Ensure safety — remove dangerous objects if necessary.

What you can say:
    • “I see that you’re really angry/sad/upset.”
    • “I know this is hard for you, but I’m here for you.”
    • “Help me understand what’s happening so I can help you.”

2. Validate Emotions (But Not Violence)
Acknowledge and accept the child’s feelings, but not aggressive behavior.

What you can say:
    • “I understand that you’re very angry because we took your phone.”
    • “I see that this really upsets you. Still, we don’t allow threats or hitting.”
    • “There’s nothing wrong with what you’re feeling — it’s normal. But we need to find a better way to show it.”

3. Give Space and Time
When emotions escalate, allow the child time to calm down.

What you can say:
    • “I see you’re upset. When you calm down a bit, we’ll talk.”
    • “You can go to a safe place in the house until you’re ready to talk calmly.”

4. Set Clear Boundaries
Make it clear that violence and threats are not acceptable. If necessary, safely remove the child from the situation.

What you can say:
    • “I do not allow anyone to hit or threaten. If that happens, I will ensure everyone’s safety.”
    • “You can express anger with words, not with hitting.”
    • “If you continue threatening, you will need to step away until you calm down.”

5. Calming Techniques in Moments of Intense Emotion
    • Deep breathing:
“Let’s take five deep breaths together.”
“Try holding your breath and counting to five.”
    • Physical activity: walking, jumping, squeezing a pillow.
    • Use of a “safe space” or calming corner.

6. Redirect and Offer Alternatives
If the child asks for the device after the incident:
    • “I see that you want your phone. Let’s find another activity together.”
    • “You can draw, listen to music, or go for a short walk.”

7. After the Incident – Reflection
Once the child is calm, talk through questions such as:
    • “I noticed you were very angry. How could you show anger next time without anyone being in danger?”
    • “What helps you calm down when you’re angry?”

8. Set Consequences and Be Consistent
Consequences should be communicated calmly, be predictable, announced in advance, meaningful, and consistently applied. Avoid imposing consequences when you are emotionally overwhelmed as a parent.

What you can say:
    • “Because you were throwing things, you will be without digital devices today.”

9. Long-Term Strategies for Learning Emotional Regulation
    • Regular conversations about emotions and self-control.
    • Teaching alternative ways to express anger (writing, drawing, sports).
    • Establishing routines and clear rules regarding digital device use.
    • Modeling calm behavior and constructive conflict resolution.
    • Practicing mindfulness, breathing exercises, meditation, and relaxation techniques.

Situations like these can often be prevented by participating in our free program Preventive Assistance for Families, where we help you — according to your specific needs — establish rules and agreements about digital device use. A family digital-use plan is a proven preventive approach to reducing distress in both parents and children related to digital device use:
https://www.logout.org/en/treatment-options/preventive-assistance-to-individuals-and-families-family-e-rules/